BulletTime Banana
by Herobob
Summary: Neo and Agent Smith have a showdown in grocery store.
1. The Beginning

Bullet-Time Banana  
  
An icy wind, part of the vast program that is the Matrix, blew some rubbish across an almost deserted city street. Suddenly there seemed to be a ripple in the air, and in the concrete of the shops and road. A figure dressed in black appeared at the end of the road. He wore a black robe of some sort and carried a dark green bag. He trudged down the street, hunched, as if he, or she, didn't want attention drawn to them.  
They came opposite to 'Sam's Grocery Store'. A man's head lifted itself from the folds of the robe. It wore sunglasses. It eyed Sam's store sinisterly. Then he went in.  
  
Agent Smith sighed contentedly. "I do love buying groceries!" he said with a happy smile. "Now, shall I get gooseberries of strawberries, I wonder?.."  
He chose strawberries. As he strolled toward the counter where Sam, an overweight idiot, was standing, he wondered if anything could spoil his happy, content state. A shadow passed across the floor in front of him. His eyes narrowed. He knew before he saw that the anomaly was standing in the doorway. He turned slowly.  
"Mr. Anderson. Grocery shopping or just browsing?"  
"Smith." Growled the robed stranger. "I'm browsing."  
"What's in the bag?"  
"Some new clothes."  
"I thought the one only wore one item. That pansy dress!" This was too far.  
"Good things come to those who wait!" screeched Neo.  
"My kingdom for a horse!" roared Smith. They leapt at each other. Suddenly the every thing slowed down immensely.  
"Damn bullet time!" they muttered.  
Everything speeded up again. They collided in mid air and fell to the floor. Smith's strawberries rolled all over the floor. Neo's new clothes flew from his bag and into his face. He gave a roar of anger and threw them off. Smith was already on his feet. They faced each other once more.  
"You're a wizard Harry." Growled Smith.  
"You shall not pass." Neo said coolly. They ran at each other, yelling battle cries as they went. But Neo tripped over the hem of his silly robe thing and fell on his face with cry of surprise and rage. At almost the same moment Smith slipped up on one of his strawberries and tumbled through the air. He crashed into a rack of shelves laden with TNT and some small handguns. With a splintering crack it fell to the ground crushing the giggling Sam beneath it.  
Agent Smith and Neo stood up at he same time. "This isn't over Smith!" Neo said angrily. "I shall make sure it isn't, Mr. Anderson." Said Smith with menace.  
Then he stomped out of the shop like a grumpy child. After several "Wake up Mr. Sam"s, Neo realised that he was dead and exited the shop, muttering things about sheep and carrots under his breath. Minutes later Sam's Grocery Store collapsed. Another blow to the Matrix, and another stupid step in the war between men and bots. 


	2. The Stranger

Bullet-Time Blunder  
  
Neo and Trinity trudged wearily towards Morpheus's office in Zion. Thankfully, Neo had changed clothes since grocery store incident and was now not in his dress but in a tight-fitting cheerleaders outfit.  
"Wonder what he wants this time?" muttered Trinity resignedly.  
"Probably gonna tell us about yet another crap plan to defeat the machines." Replied Neo with equal boredom.  
  
As they approached Morpheus's chambers they head the sound of creaking springs and mad shouts. At first Neo assumed that Morpheus had got some girl drunk and taken her back to his room with him again, but then he realised that the sounds weren't.that kind of sound.  
"You had better wait here Trinity." he said, "I'll see what the old fart's up to." He turned and strode boldly in. What he saw upon entering made his legs turn to jelly and his mind reel, however.  
Morpheus was bouncing up and down on his huge four-poster bed wearing nothing but a ridiculous pink thong and a top hat. As he bounced he sang gleefully-  
"Chocolate spread, chocolate spread, so delicious it'll make you dead! It'll make you dead, it'll make you dead, it's so delicious it's chocolate spread!!! Yippee!"  
Neo's mouth fell open. Morpheus paused in his bouncing to say- "Neo! Saviour! Good to see you! I just had the most delicious chocolate spread on toast and it made want to, get my boobs out so I did!" Neo turned and ran from the room as Morpheus started yelling  
"REJOICE IN HAMBURGERS AND CHEESE!!!" at the top of his voice.  
  
"What's up? What happened?" Asked Trinity as Neo dragged her away from the demented shouts. "He's finally cracked." Said Neo shakily.  
Then he broke down and cried.  
  
In the darkness under Morpheus's bed, some one muttered, "My plan is almost complete!" As they said this they gently pushed a jar of 'Choco Spready!' into the light. With a cry Morpheus had bounded on it and started sampling the contents greedily.  
  
The voice under the bed chuckled. 


	3. The Prophecy

The Matrix: Retarded  
  
Chapt. 2 of "BulletTime Banana"  
  
Neo studied the sealed coke can in front of him. He sat at a table in  
the kitchen of the Nevakaneza, Morpheus's ship. He considered the can,  
it's colour, it's texture, the sweet liquid that it contained, and the  
fat fly that sat on the top of the can, awaiting it's opening almost  
as eagerly as Neo. Suddenly Neo, in the words of Morpheus, 'Began to  
believe'.  
"It is time." he said seriously.  
His hand reached for the coke, pausing only to squish the fly under  
one bony finger. He grasped the can. Then a prophecy of the oracle was  
fulfilled, and the 'Moment of Opening' took place. "Phizz!" It was  
bliss. Neo couldn't wait for the ice-cold liquid to be pouring down  
his throat. He lifted the can towards his mouth. He eyes lit up. Any  
second now his lips, tongue and mouth would taste his favourite drink  
in the world! Any second now.  
Suddenly everything slowed down. Neo's hand and the coke were  
now crawling towards his mouth at a snail's pace.  
"Not again!" he cried, "Damn bullet-time!"  
Everything speeded up suddenly. His hand and the can shot towards his  
mouth and smacked in the face. He gave a muffled cry of frustration  
and pain then toppled off his chair to the floor (in bullet time of  
course) and landed painfully on his shoulder.  
He got slowly to his feet, groaning. Apart from the spilt coke,  
everything seemed fine. Then Neo saw his hand, the hand of the arm of  
the shoulder he had landed on. The shockwaves down his arm seemed to  
have twisted his hand into an almost unrecognisable claw. Every three  
seconds it had a weird spasm. Neo swore loudly.  
If Neo thought things were bad now, they were just about to get  
a lot worse.  
  
Agent Smith walked jauntily into the room.  
  
"Mr. Anderson. Time to.what the!?!"  
He was staring at Neo's twisted left hand, which was now thrashing  
about in a demented fashion. His eyes travelled slowly from the hand  
to Neo's face. He seemed lost for words. But then,  
"Impostor!" he screamed. "You are you? Where's Neo? You've taken  
his skin haven't you!"?  
With that he ran at Neo and grabbed him roughly by the arms,  
pinning them to his sides. He then proceeded to shake Neo erratically  
as if Neo were an ugly life-sized rag doll.  
"What.have.you.done.with.the.  
real.Neo???" he growled.  
Neo's brain had now been bashed about inside his skull to the  
extent that he was almost unconscious and was now drooling  
uncontrollably. Smith stopped the shaking abruptly.  
"To complete my plan I must have the real Neo," he said  
fiercely. "Now where is he?"  
"To complete your."  
Then it came to Neo.  
"Your plan! It was you in Morpheus's bedroom! You've been  
drugging his Chocolate spread!"  
"But, but, but if you know." Smith began to mouth silently. Then  
he said-  
"Then you must be Neo! Only the One could know what was  
happening in a completely different part of Zion! This changes  
everything! We will meet again, Mr. Anderson!"  
Neo tried to reply, "My name is Neo", but his head hurt too  
much. Then Smith gave him hard punch in the stomach, which winded him,  
then turned and stalked out the room. Neo tried to stagger after him  
but he tripped on a rusty nail poking out of the floor and fell on his  
face, braking his nose with a sickening *CRUNCH!*,  
and knocking him out cold.  
As Agent Smith fled the Nevakaneza, he muttered something about  
a cheese roll and the end of the world. He meant business. But first  
he had to grab a bite to eat because even agents need to sink their  
teeth into a juicy hamburger (or human) occasionally. 


	4. The Cheesecake

The Matrix: Retarded  
Part 2  
Chapt. 4 of BT Banana  
  
Neo lay in the comfy hospital bed talked with the little Buddhist kind who sat on a chair beside him. The kid had had some weird idea that he might be the one a while ago, and had come to visit Neo to see what the real One was like. He was teaching him to bend spoons.  
"Remember, there is no spoon," the kid said, "Then you will se that it is you who bends, not the spoon!"  
Neo concentrated hard. Then, success! The spoon bent backwards very fast. Too fast. It struck the little boy in the eye. He gave out a high- pitched scream then fainted on the floor, a black eye already coming out.  
As Neo guiltily turned away, Trinity and Morpheus ran into the room.  
"OW!" they turned away rubbing their heads. Then they ran through the door to Neo's bed.  
"Neo! The doctor says you're fine and that you can leave now!" cried Trinity happily.  
"Great!" said Neo. He got out of bed, edged carefully around Morpheus, (He was still a little wary of Morpheus since the chocolate spread incident) then walked out of the room with them.  
  
A while later they were strolling through the barren wasteland around Zion when they heard a rumble.  
"Sentinels!" said Trinity.  
"Cheese!" said Morpheus. Neo punched Morpheus in the face and he snapped out of it. Then they began to run as fast as they could. As they mounted a hill, Neo turned. His face looked grave.  
"Neo?"  
"I.I feel somehow different." Neo said ominously. As the sentinel reared up, ready to strike, Neo raised his hand towards it, just as he had done to the bullets in that corridor. Then a large and unpleasant fart rent the air.  
"Oh, sorry!" Neo mumbled, embarrassed. "That's probably what I was feeling!"  
They turned and ran once more. They managed to lose the sentinel after three days of running, but a new threat now faced them.  
"Mr. Anderson. I am unpleasantly surprised to see you up and about after the beating I gave you on the ship."  
Agent Smith stood on a hill above them. He was wearing a sinister pink tutu.  
"Let's finish this prick once and for all!" cried Neo.  
"Yeah!" agreed Morpheus and Trinity in unison. They charged.  
"I see dead people!" roared Neo.  
"I am your father!" screamed Trinity.  
"Cheesecake!" shouted Morpheus.  
  
They reached him. It was a short battle. Trinity swung a punch at his head (in bullet-time of course) made contact, but then lost her footing on the pebbles on the hill, and fell to a bone cracking demise. Morpheus dived clumsily at Smith, and missed him by about three feet. He stumbled, and then he too tumbled to his death grinning like an idiot.  
Neo however made good contact and did his weird 'lumps up the arm' thing inside Smith, and then, with a shriek, Smith was gone.  
  
Neo lay in the dust, biting his toes, and relishing the victory over his rival, but crying over the lose of his two best friends. And they all lived happily ever after. 


	5. The Adventure

Bullet-Time Bumhole  
  
.The story wasn't over yet.  
  
Miles from the hill on which the great battle between Agent Smith and Morpheus, Trinity and Neo had taken place; Neo was doing his superman thing. He was flying through a city in the Matrix, and he was flying so fast that, behind him, a huge cloud of dust was roaring along in his wake. Cars were also sailing through the air as it rushed into the gap he left. Neo glanced behind him and saw the debris.  
"Oops!" He said. Then, as he watched, a small baby appeared. It was being carried along by the great cloud dust and debris. It was giggling and licking its toes in excitement.  
"What the.!?!" Neo said in astonishment. But that wasn't all. As he watched, a lollipop, a bicycle, Britney Spears (looking confused), a lump of cheese, a rabbit, a large TV, a Lego set and an African elephant all appeared out of the cloud. Neo's head swam. He turned back to the front and didn't dare look back for the rest of the journey. However, he did see an old hag riding a broomstick who asked him directions to Kansas and if he'd seen a little girl wearing red shoes and going by the name of Dorothy. Then he headed for Zion.  
  
By the time he got there, the inhabitants of Zion were almost ready in their preparations for the oncoming machine invasion.  
"Build up the defensives!" Cried a silly looking general as Neo passed him. Everyone was hurrying around so fast and so busily that it seemed to Neo that the whole of Zion had turned into a nest of giant busy ants. Then, as he turned a corner, with people randomly falling at his feet in worship, he saw. ."Trinity!" he shouted in surprise and joy.  
"Hello Neo." She said warmly. "Heil Hitler!" Neo was for a moment puzzled but decided to ignore this comment and settled on "I thought you were dead."  
"Well," she said, "It's kind of a long story. You see, when me andMorpheus fell from the hillside we landed by chance in a nice, soft, thorn bush! So I climbed out and."  
"Hang on a sec." said Neo. "Where's Morpheus?"  
"Ah, yes, well," said Trinity, wondering how to break the bad news. "I'm sorry Neo but, although we were saved, as we climbed out of the thorn bush, Morpheus tripped and fell on his face with a cracking sound. I think his nose broke. But I was just about to ask if he was Ok when some idiot came flying past us at top speed and this great big elephant came flying out of all this dust that was following him and, I'm sorry Neo, but I'm afraid it landed on Morpheus's head."  
Neo suddenly went very red and looked down at his feet, saying,  
"Oh dear. Urm.poor Morpheus, um, yes, I agree, complete idiot, don't know what he was thinking, err, poor Morpheus."  
"There might still might have been a chance of him being saved if the elephant hadn't happened to need the toilet at the point and I'm afraid that it went and pooped all over the part of Morpheus that it wasn't sitting on. Oh dear."  
Trinity broke off and began to sob into Neo's chest. Neo still looked a bit guilty.  
  
That night in Zion there was a huge random party, and everyone was invited.  
Neo said to Trinity,  
"Trinity, I was thinking, everyone's here."  
Trinity looked politely puzzled.  
"Erm." said Neo.  
"What is it Neo?"  
"Well.um." Neo said. His plan wasn't going very well. But then Trinity caught on.  
"Oh right! That's what you were hinting at!" She said as she winked at him. Neo felt very relieved that his embarrassed message had got across, but then Trinity started smacking her head wildly against the rocky wall. Neo grabbed her.  
"Trinity! What are you doing!?" he cried.  
"What, isn't that what you wanted?" said Trinity.  
"No, I wanted something else." he mumbled, confused as to why this scene was going much less smoothly than it did in the movie.  
"Oh! Right!" said Trinity, blushing.  
Then they went and made mad passionate love on a rock in Neo's private chambers. They had finished, and Neo stood up and said,  
"Trinity, I'm going to see the oracle tomorrow."  
"I'm coming with you!" Trinity said immediately, standing up.  
"No Trinity! It's too smelly, I mean dangerous!"  
"Fine." she said dejectedly. "Oh, by the way, just before Morpheus died he told me to warn you not to eat the moose."  
  
Later the next day, in the Matrix, Neo entered the hut of the Buddhist guy who could lead him to the Oracle. As he walked in he saw through his 'Matrix vision' that the guy was a pooey brown.  
"Err.hi?" said Neo nervously. Suddenly the Buddhist jumped up and screamed at Neo,  
"What is 6+6???"  
"Huh? Um.it's, 12?" said Neo who was completely taken aback.  
"The capital of England?"  
"Err.London?"  
"The meaning of life?"  
"Err.to ensure the survival of monkey's with purple bottom's?"  
"Yes. Good."  
"What the hell was all that about?" gasped Neo.  
"I had to test you to see if were indeed the One." Said the Buddhist guy. "And I'm afraid you failed that test."  
"Huh?" said Neo, "But I AM the One. And what do you mean, failed? I got every question right!"  
"Yes but you did not get over the DELAYED REACTION MINE FIELD!!!"  
"What delayed reaction mine f."  
BOOOM!!!  
  
Hours of pain and antiseptic cream later, Neo was in a Chinese restaurant with 'Buddha Boy' as Neo now called him.  
"The Keymaker works in this restaurant," Buddha boy explained, "You should have no trouble finding him."  
A random Chinese waiter was standing by the counter. Before he knew what was happening, he had been grabbed by the One had was flying through the air, through the city.  
"Hey Keymaker!" Neo said jovially.  
"Wha? Me no keymaker!" said the poor man.  
"Whatever Keymaker!"  
The unlucky waiter began to whimper.  
  
Later, in the weird portal corridors of the Matrix, Neo was trying to convince the man he thought was the Keymaker to open a door. The waiter was repeating over and over that was a simple Chinese waiter, and that he had never heard of a Keymaker.  
"C'mon Keymaker stop, playing games! Open up the door!" Finally, the poor waiter could take it no more. He took off one his shoes very slowly and respectfully, and then ate it. His Liver popped out, and he died. He had performed an ancient Chinese ritual suicide.  
"Arrrgh!" said Neo in frustration. "I'll do it myself!" He kicked down the door and went through.  
  
He was on a rooftop. But there was no one there.  
  
Or was there.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED. 


	6. The Battle

Bullet-Time Blubber  
  
Final Chapter of  
Bullet-Time Banana!  
  
Neo turned his head slowly. A cloud of crows suddenly flew into the air in slow motion as the camera focused on a pair of shiny black shoes.  
"Smith." Growled Neo. There was a note of surprise in his voice. He thought he had killed Agent Smith. Smith walked forward ominously, pausing only to wipe a white bird poop from his head.  
"Damn crows." He said. Then,  
"Mr. Anderson! Surprised to see me?"  
"Smith," said Neo, "frankly, you are a gay twat."  
"That may be so Mr. Anderson, but."  
"What's that?" asked Neo in surprise. An animal that looked like a cross between an overweight seal and a baby whale had lumbered clumsily out from behind Smith.  
"It is the porpoise, Mr. Anderson, the porpoise." Smith said solemnly.  
"You see, Mr. Anderson, the porpoise is a wonderful creature. But that is beside the point. The porpoise of my being here is."  
"The what, sorry?" said Neo, confused.  
"The porpoise, Mr. Anderson. The porpoise of my being here."  
"That doesn't make sense, ya daft prick!" Neo said.  
"But porpoise is what keeps us going, keeps us alive, Mr. Anderson!"  
"Oh! You mean purpose!" Neo said finally understanding.  
"Of course that's what I mean!" Smith cried, "Porpoise!"  
"Man you're weird!"  
"Anyway, the porpoise of my presence here is.Aaaah! I forgot what I was going to say now!" roared Smith. "You made me forget what I was going to say Mr. Anderson!" Smith shrieked in a girl's voice, advancing on Neo. "And that makes me very angry, Mr. Anderson. Don't make me angry, you won't like me when I'm angry."  
Neo started trembling. "Time to die, Mr. Anderson." Said Smith calmly. Then, to Neo's amazement, hundred's of Agent Smiths came pouring from every corner onto the rooftop. Each wore an identical flowery pink dress and high heels. As a consequence, half of them didn't make it to where Smith and Neo were standing due them tripping over their heels and either falling on their faces or off the roof and onto innocent pedestrians below.  
"Hit me baby one more time!" screamed Smith.  
"He was a skater boy I said seeya later boy!" shouted Neo.  
Then they rushed at each other. However, due to there being one of Neo and almost a hundred of Smith, Neo was quite quickly beaten to a pulp then became the bottom of the biggest pile-on in movie history. But then, just as he was about to give up hope, he smashed up and out, with cry of victory-  
"You'll never take my virginity!!!"  
  
Agent Smith cursed quietly to himself. Then he called over to a large crate,  
"Twins! C'mon!" Then, as Neo watched to his horror, two evil looking white British ghosts drifted out through the wood. They then morphed back to normal. And stood at the ready in strange combat positions.  
"I say! Having a good old barney, eh what?" they said in unison.  
"Destroy him!" commanded Smith. The twins ran forward, an evil glint in their eyes, screaming ancient battle cries. There followed a moment of furious fighting in which Neo did his 'one hand behind his back' thing. This was hampered slightly when one of the Smith clones sank his teeth into Neo's hand. This, however, encouraged Neo's rage. He drove the Twins back. They morphed so that he couldn't hit them, and it worked. They flew out of reach, cackling evilly. Then they morphed back again. It was only then that they realised that were standing in a bench.  
"Ouch?" they said as their legs were severed from the knees down.  
Smith gave a cry of rage and flung himself at Neo, who dodged easily. Smith got up panting at looking very angry and embarrassed.  
"You cannot win," he growled with menace. He pointed at the clones. "Look how many friends I have! And who do you have? No one! Not even Mrs. 'I like 3-in-a-bed romps' is here to save you!"  
"Her name is Trinity and it does not mean 3-in-a-bed it means, well, 3." Said Neo defensively.  
"Ha!" Smith chuckled. "It is over Neo! Face your destiny- DESTRUCTION!"  
  
With that every Smith on the rooftop charged. Then bullet-time decided to show its self and Neo was given some time to think. Then it came to him. The crazed voice of his demented tutor came to him like a dream.  
  
Bullet time deactivated. Neo pulled a jar of chocolate spread from his pocket.  
  
"Nooooooooo!" A hundred Smith's, including the real one, screamed. The clones ran for their lives. "No! Not the chocolate spread! Anything but that!"  
"Come back!" Smith screeched, but it was too late. He was on his own. He turned slowly to Neo, defiant to the last.  
"Do your worst Mr. Anderson." Neo grabbed Smith's jaw and, after much pulling and tugging, forced it open. Smith was roaring with rage and raining blows down on the back of Neo's head but it made no difference. There was a squawk as the two tussling bodies fell onto and squashed one of the crows. And then.  
Another prophecy of the Oracle was fulfilled and the legendary 'force- feeding' took place. Chocolate spread poured down Smith's throat. He gurgled and turned green. Then he began to howl with laughter. Neo watched curiously. Finally, bright red mushrooms sprouted from Smith's head, he grew an extra leg, and his famously strict looking suit changed into a flared '70's disco get-up. Then with a final howl of glee, he was gone at last. Neo fell to the floor, panting.  
  
He looked up. The Oracle was standing there looking puzzled and munching as usual on huge, sickly sweet and 2 year old cookies.  
"Hi honey! Sorry I'm late, the traffic was unbelievable. What have I missed?"  
Neo put his head in his hands and chuckled to himself, amused. Then he realised that, with Smith gone, he felt happier than he had done ages, and he sucked his toes in joy.  
  
Far away, in the seventh circle of madness, a delirious voice cried hoarsely,  
"It isn't over, MR ANDERSON!"  
  
THE END  
  
Please review! Thanks to everyone who has read my series! Herobob. 


End file.
